Rainbows
God sent me a rainbow this week. He always does, right what I need it most. That and hummingbirds. He sure knows the way to my heart :)
The funny thing about this rainbow, thought, was that it didn’t come when I thought I needed it. I had had a rough day last Saturday. After so much effort on my part to make things right with my mom, to please her and make her happy, it happened again. I showed up late, really late. She flipped out, threatened to reinstate my curfew and griped about Steven not driving enough. Same ol, same ol. Anyway, that afternoon I prayed for a rainbow. I prayed and prayed and hoped that one would show up. The conditions were right. The sky went suddenly gray, fat angry raindrops fell out of the sky…and then it was over. The sky cleared. Gray clouds to one side, blue sky to the other. The perfect conditions for a rainbow. So I started to pray. God, send me a rainbow so I know everything is okay, so I know that you approve of me, so I know that I’m still okay in your eyes.
Nothing. No rainbow.
I didn’t think God loved me any less, or didn’t approve of me because He didn’t send me one. I just figured that I was asking for the wrong thing. That God needed me to rest in His approval and not test Him by asking Him for it. So I moved on. I made resolution where I could and let the situation lie where I couldn’t. I apologized for what was rightfully my fault, and refused to over apologize no matter the consequences. I stood firm in what I was, who I was, whether it was accepted or not.
And I stuck with it. I’m still doing it. It may not be easy, but I’m learning to be okay with not being spoken to or accepted all the time. I’m learning to be okay with people not being okay with me. I’m learning to be alright with people not thinking that what I’m doing is the best thing for me or them. I’m learning to be myself. Finally.
And then the rainbow came :)
Steven and I had just had a conversation on his break at CFA. We talked about everything we had already talked about a million times before. How I need to stand up for myself, be my own person, be okay with not being talked to, tell my family how I actually feel about the way they treat me and him, and how all of that would benefit our relationship together. I agreed. I understood. For the first time I actually wanted to do it. I stood back and realized that Steven was right. He had been right all along. I viewed the situation from a completely different viewpoint: his viewpoint. I saw what he was seeing, realized how it must seem from his standpoint and realized how right he had been all along. I was finally ready to woman up and be an adult. I was finally ready to fully be myself, regardless of the consequences. He said something to me that I will never forget:
“Amy, it’s better for them to dislike you for who you are than love you for someone you’re not.”
And he was right. It hit home like nothing else ever had.
Minutes later, a gigantic rainbow took over the sky :)
